Give and Take

Throwing some thoughts away. 

As time passes by, I will forget this. Well, I may find a solution or I may figure out the picture. Or I may not remember anything at all. At least by pouring it out here, I can actually revisit one day inshaAllah and have a good reminiscence of things that clouds my mind. 

Lately, I have been thinking about life, career, jodoh, family, my parents. Jodoh is definitely the central issue here. The main issue. The pressure has increased. My mama and bapa has been hinting about it. Well not just to me, my brothers too. 

Jangan kata tak usaha. Jangan kata tak doa. I believe I have been asking from الله countless times. Banyak. Pagi petang siang malam. Dari dulu sampai sekarang. More and more these days. What can i do though... الله belum bagi. 

Jual mahal? I have my hak kan. Perkara kahwin bukannya something for sehari dua. It is ikatan seumur hidup. I do have my standard. Tapi tidaklah setinggi mana pun. 

Persoalannya sekarang, if I set my standards, do I have that kind of standards jua? What do I have to offer to this person in order to be his girlfriend, his wife? 

Honestly, aku rasa aku belum ready. Balik-balik aku cuba nyamankan hati pun, yang I will be ready. i can be ready once the man is there. He could be that PUSH factor for me to get ready. Hakikatnya I don't think so. 

Department mana yang aku ready? 

Laundry? ❌ nak seterika baju sendiri pun bukannya rajin sangat (i still have my mom to do it for me...thank you mommy!! ), ni kan pula nak seterika baju kemeja suami, baju sembahyang suami. And that goes the same for cuci baju. Oh no, so memalukan. 

Memasak? ✅ ah yang ni ok, aku pandai memasak. Tapi currently bukannya nak memasak tiap hari pun. Rasanya bila ada mood nak memasak, waktu tu je aku masuk dapur. So bila kahwin nanti, am I actually ready to cook everyday for my husband? Bukan seminggu sekali okay.. tapi SETIAP HARI. Sekurang-kurangnya TIGA KALI sehari. 

Bersihkan rumah? ❌ yang ni aku boleh buat. Janganlah nak kata menyapu pun tak pandai. Tapi bab sepahkan rumah i think i win more. Sigh. I hoard things at every corner. My mommy ofcourse yqng paling riuh lah. So can how can I jaga my husband punya home affairs? Sedangkan diri sendiri pun tidak terurus?

Personal grooming? ❌ this one, aku memang malas. Nak jaga diri, pakai mekap sebelum jalan apa... i am not that rajin. How? Of course lah kan, my impian nak dapat lah kan lelaki sekacak Syamsul Yusoff, for example. Or sehensem Zul Ariffin. Tapi do I have that look to offer so as to complement my other half? The basic one pun aku tak buat sangat. 

Ya Allah, Shee.. Shee... 

Jaga anak? ❌ Bukan aku tak suka kanak-kanak, i love love love kids! Persoalannya.. adakah aku mampu untuk membesarkan anak-anak dan mendidik anak-anak jadi yang soleh dan solehah? I asked myself a question - how do we teach anak kecil mengenai Allah? - how do we convince them that Allah created us, Allah sees us - and bila kena tanya, siapa Allah ni? Macam mana aku nak jawab. Sedangkan aku sendiri baru dalam dua tiga tahun ni berjinak-jinak untuk belajar mengenali Allah dan meyakini akan kewujudan dan keberadaan Allah... and I asked beratus soalan rasanya to my friend, Amal. Inikan pula for me untuk meyakinkan kanak-kanak kecil. Yang sememangnya curiosity durang memang beyond imagination. 

Will this comes naturally? I doubt it though. Benda macam ni I don't think we develop it biologically. Macam susu ibu. Ada hormone nya yang control kind of thing. So macam mana? 

Mampukah kau, Shee? 

Mampukah aku? 

Can I actually offer that? 

The answer for now ... you know it. NO. 

Definitely bah, Allah knows best. Allah tahu yang aku belum ready. 

Financial? $$? ❌ I am not stable as yet. I have two massive loans to pay. And altogether it costs 60% of my gaji actually. Gila kan? Every month, I left with like $400 untuk belanja. Tell me, with that amount of savings how can I actually get married? And funny, aku masih angan-angan untuk get married. To have a lavish wedding. To wear my dream wedding gown. To go to New Zealand for honeymoon. Belanja sekolah anak-anak. Bawa anak-anak cuti sekolah. Cukup ke with my current savings? Logically, memang tak cukup lah. 

Astaghfirullah. 

Astaghfirullah. Subhanallah. Now that I spell it out, my weaknesses, my insecurities.. I think I have found my answer mengapa Allah belum bagi jodoh to me. Allah benar-benar tau yang aku belum ready. Allah is still giving me the opportunity to secure myself, to improve myself sebab Allah tahu yang I really want a HAPPY, HARMONY life. If itu yang aku nak, then first - i have to HARMONISE my personal life dulu.. then I can invite people (suami dan anak-anak) in to live with me. 

GIVE and TAKE. 

Then again, they said kahwin is rezeki. Anak itu rezeki. Banyak cerita yang aku baca, ada yang lepas kahwin, rezeki harta, rezeki wang, masyuk amat. Hidup pun bahagia. Best kan dengar? Those are buy-ins. I was sold to these promises yang Allah janjikan tentang siapa yang mengikut sunnah Nabi Muhammad SAW untuk berkahwin. The offerings come after the wedding. 

So, what now for me? Mesti belajar memperbaiki diri sendiri. 

I will keep asking from Allah for it. 

Sebab janji Allah itu pasti. 

Doakan aku okay? Doakan semoga Allah akan permudahkan my urusan dalam cerita jodoh ini. Bukan apa, kesian actually my mama and bapa. I am sure durang mau lihat anak-anak durang bahagia. I am sure durang mau menimang cucu menyambut mesra penyambung keturunan durang. I am so sure. Makanya ya Allah yang Maha Mengasihani, aku pohon belas kasihan mu ya Allah. Aku benar-benar memohon belas kasihan mu ya Allah dalam perkara ini. Untuk kebaikan diriku, kedua ibu bapaku dan ahli keluargaku yang lain - dunia kami dan akhirat kami ya Allah. 

أَمِيْن أَمِيْن أَمِيْن يَا رَبَّ العَالَمِينْ 

 

Signing out now.

10.34 pm, 14/12/2016